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One word: Perimenopause
My wife and I have been together since 1995 and married in 1999. We have a 16 y/o and a 12 y/o. I'm 46 and she's 45.
Back in October 2017 (she's 42 at the time), she confided in me that she might want something "different", possibilby a divorce. She said she hadn't been sexually interested for a few months and thought it might be a sign as the feeling (or lack thereof) might indicate it was time to move on. This made her quite distraught as she came from a divorced home and she still suffered from the seperation anxiety of her dad leaving when she 5; a dad she was very close with and one that died in 2009 of a massive heart attack. When she told me her feelings, I was completely blindsided and so damn confused.
For the next month, I was walking on egg shells and thinking deeply about how things could have gone so wrong. I was so confused and sad. Then I started thinking back to about a year or so earlier, when she started getting night sweats, having a hard time sleeping, and her period becoming erratic. I did note a minor mood chnage with her, but nothing alarmingly to me. I did some researching and stumbled across "perimenopause". I had heard of menopause, but not perimenopause which is what leads into menopuase. During this time, a woman goes through some pretty significant hormone changes as they transition to menopause. For some woman, the hormone imbalance can get really wonky. This can lead to confusion, exhaustion, depression, wild changes in rational thought, becoming self-centered, seeking complete independence, wanting a major life change, becoming very testy with small things, seeing relationships as confining, thoughts of divorce, and so on. More women get divorced during this time in their lives (35 to 50) than any other point. Perimenopause is believed to be the result of many divorces as the woman thinks she wants something different and the man is confused, becomes angry, and figures she's just "crazy". The real kicker is some women hardly experience any affects and some experience severe affects. My wife is text book. Even worse, for some women, perimenopause can last up to 10 years. Yikes!
I didn't bring any of this up to my wife at first as I didn't want to rock the boat. About 2 months in, she would say she felt like she was going crazy and would lose track of her thoughts and focus. I asked her if had heard of perimenopause and its effects. She said she did but didn't know much about it. At first, she didn't want to believe what she was reading because she felt it downplayed what she was feeling and going through. After a few weeks, she started coming around to the idea that perimenopause may be the root of much of what she was experiencing given the just 1 year earlier, our relationship was quite solid.
Between the winter and 2017 and all of 2018, it was quite touch and go with us. Her sex drive did come back in early 2018. Not until maybe the end of 2019 did things really improve between us. This experience is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever gone though on so many levels. I could write a book about it. Patience, understanding, and honesty was the key to working it all out. My wife is still deep into perimenopause and still have ups and downs but she has embraced the experience and transition.
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